October 16 — Sidney, TX
It’s my second night on the farm and I’m already feeling a drastic change. The rhythms of my normal days are significantly slower yet somehow filled with more thrill and beauty.
An example of this:
It’s fifty eight degrees this morning. The air is icy and crispy on my skin. I almost don’t want to be outside and just huddle into a little ball. But the cold is so beautiful because it reminds me of going camping with my family.
Just the smell of the forests and the cool fog was enough to make me fall in love completely. No drugs and no girls to suck my life away; Just pure infatuation with nature herself.
I have visions of my past. Waving over me in a holistic feeling of tenderness. It wasn’t nostalgia but more a remembrance of this ultimate truth that I had always known. It brings me back to my first spiritual awakening in high school.
When I was suddenly in love with the earth. Nature was my only muse. I remember how cold it got during the spring, how the mildew on the broken tree stumps smelled and the soil still wet from last night’s rain. I remember going to Ren’s house afterward and getting high in the cold urban world.
And so as I’m farming, looking like every movie farmer with my gardener’s hat and gloves, getting stabbed by prickly hay and getting dirt rubbed in my eye, I have so many visions that I don’t write down because I like the way they make me feel.
I began to see this land as the perfect rehabilitation center. We just have to make Krishna more accessible to youth today without tainting the beautiful traditions.
I can see Kyler and smell his tribal hippie room. I can see him listening to Pink Floyd underneath his flapping golden red tapestry.
I see the journeys unfolding in pure adolescent magic. No sadness, just adventure.
“Scream truth from the roof and tear down the steeple”
~ King Shelter
During all these visions, I keep quiet. I follow all the traditions the devotees have. So long as they think I’m chanting and praying, they should be fine with me.
Today I became aware of their poor psychological game for newcomers.
They show the newcomers hospitality, in a warm, affectionate familial sort of way. It resonates with the newbie because they’ve never really had that before.
Now the devotees have the power to influence the newcomer into believing all kinds of wild things.
Maybe these are my delusions again. Overall there’s more good here than there is bad. No one is intentionally being manipulative or so I think.
Very few people will understand the pure miracle that is New Gokul Dham. I want these people to change the world. I see ashrams and sustainable farms, rehabilitation centers, coffee shops, tree houses, libraries for miles and miles. This is how we hit the reset button. We start taking care of ourselves and we start to learn.
Self doubt is healthy, but too much will dig you in a toxic circle, a sort of nightmarish merry go round.
I still think of Val, but I need to let her go. I don’t know if I trust her. I think she knows I’m obsessed. Anywho… it’s probably best I don’t let it consume me. I’ll always appreciate her beauty as I do with everyone, but I need to fall in love with nature again and with my own beautiful emotions.
So now that nicotine and porn have been thrown out the window, I look forward to the meals here way too much. I’m thinking about that delicious food for most of the day, keeping my eye on the clock.
They go ALL OUT with their food or Prasādam they call it. Breakfast is available from 7:30am-9am, lunch is available from 1:30pm — 2:30pm
The food is made for Krishna before it is made for us, but I’ll have to learn more about that. They have many odd ancient traditions in the kitchen. You cannot use a serving spoon to eat and vice versa. A bunch of things like that.
Anyways, the food is excellent. It’s insanely flavorful, the meals are always balanced in texture and in spice. It fills up the belly in a way that makes you feel motivated to do more work. I probably eat the most out of anyone here.
I have a problem, but thankfully nobody’s noticed yet.