October 20, Sidney TX

Four hours of work on the farm feels productive and satisfying, though I feel my creative time has dwindled. I have so many amazing ideas all the time but I never keep track of them. I want to work more writing and reading into my routine but I NEVER HAVE ALONE TIME.

I always get stuck in meaningless conversations with Govinda (my roommate)

Of course it’s amusing when we get to hang out and do nothing all day and even chant some mantras, but I feel like it’s such a waste of time compared to the other things I could be doing.

I want to write this book already. I want the legends of TPWC to finally breathe and walk around in other people’s heads.

There was a chaotic fiasco today with a couple stray dogs that wandered onto our property. Lots of arguing back and forth, but thats what you get in a commune of hippies who keep everything extremely laid back twenty four seven. Some anger and distraughtness is bound to explode every now and then.

People on this farm really aren’t fond of outsiders and civilians, while I still have a big heart for them.

The devotees want us to let go of all material attachments and become a servant of Krishna. Its not good to waste time with people who aren’t on a higher realm of consciousness as you.

Can’t remember a distinct vision from today, only the idea of Kyler as an aspiring Kirshna conscious devotee.

He already has trouble relating to the modern world. He’s tremendously involved in all forms of sensuality and art.

It’s a true blessing that I’ve arrived here in this lifetime. Rather than tolerating the rush of dopamine and illusory accomplishments, I’m here plowing soil and planting seeds. I’m helping sustain and feed a whole community of people.

Athena finally responded to my text over a month later. I told her how I loved her and I’m always here to connect. She apologizes for the hiatus and says “the feeling is mutual,” but she doesn’t bother to use the word love. I might be being too dramatic and far fetched here, but love isn’t a hard word to use if its what you feel.

She sent me her address so we could write each other letters.

The message brings me gratitude, a giddy pulse of electricity shooting up my chest and I smile like a kid.

I don’t know if I trust it anymore. Based on our past interaction, it seems as though she doesn’t love me in the way she says she does and that the only real reason she hung out with me was out of pity.

Girls are the last thing I’ll understand.

We’re on completely different paths now, but a part of me will still love her forever.

I fear she’ll keep entertaining the idea that she has a powerful love for me just to ensure that I worship her. I fear that me fearing that only increases the possibility of that being true. Or maybe I’m being neurotic again.

I’ll always make too big of a deal out of my romances. It’s the only real thing I have.

Athena, to me, represented this perfect wild purity; A youthful muse of flowing splendor. Everything an out-casted high school boy like me could want.

She became the ultimate goal; The unobtainable. Someone really worth fighting for.

I believed in her iridescent stare.

I’ve always dreamed of finding a community like this. My vision was a little different though. I imagined a forest as lush and green as the Pacific Northwest where there’d be lakes, tiny houses, cabins, and a big homestead building where we all gather to study by a warm fire. I saw an outdoor kitchen for the summer time. A big shaded lot for the caravans to park, A small amphitheater for us to have big campfires at night.

I’ve dreamed of this so often that I even began to believe that my only purpose in this life was to make that a reality.

My closest friends and family all expressed an amazing amount of enthusiasm and support of this vision, but I can see now that most of them just want to get stoned and not think too much about the state of the world.

The future truly looks bright if I am to continue in this direction. It will still take all the conviction and strength in me.

I don’t want to become like the other devotees, though I am still fascinated by their complete devotion to vaishnavism and Krishna Consciousness.

There’s too many names, terms, and practices to learn about.

My vision for a sustainable community has an ashram and a church or at least a place of more secular spiritual practices that are more accessible to the youth.

Nobody here wants that unfortunately because, “it’ll invite weird energy,”

There’s already so much weird neurotic energy everywhere though. You have guys walking around with forehead markings and robes chanting alien god names.

I guess you really do need a cult to have such a close community. I don’t know.

I need to sleep